DEAR FK’IN VERIZON… by Jim Wright

DEAR FK’IN VERIZON… by Jim Wright

Dear Verizon, this is how to lose my business and make me take my money to your competitor:
Her: Yes?
Me: My phone isn’t working. My wife’s phone isn’t working. Identical symptoms. I assume there’s a data outage. How long do you expect it to last?
Her: There’s no outage.
Me: Then my phones have failed. They’re a week old. They’re hideously expensive. This does not impress me.
Her: You must have changed something.
Me: I didn’t.
Her: No, you must have changed a setting.
Me: No. I did not. And if I did, accidentally, then how come my wife’s phone is experiencing the same exact symptoms?
Her: Sometimes that can happen.
Me: What?
Her: Let me see your phone … ah, there’s the problem. Your velociraptor data noodle is in the egg salad position.
Me: The fuck?
Her: You probably changed it by accident.
Me: You’re playing with network settings buried four layers down under the system menu. I did not change it and AGAIN even if I had, accidentally, what did I do? Accidentally change it on my wife’s phone TOO? You have an outage. Just tell me how long it’s going to be.
Her: Sometimes that can happen if the technician adjusts an antenna on the tower.
Me: What? No. That … no. Adjusting the antenna does NOT change the settings in my damned phone. Or there’d be 400 angry people in line ahead of me. That’s not how it works.
Her: It’s fixed, I reset the clam chowder to Dread Pirate Roberts and adjusted the bandwidth cholesterol to banjo so the booster stage is now operating at full gazpacho.
Me: You used to write the technical dialog for Star Trek The Next Generation, didn’t you?
Her: Your sparkle wrench was quantum phasing but I reset the warp monkey and it’s all working fine now.
Me: Look here, Geordi, it’s NOT working.
Her: It totally is.
Me: It’s totally NOT Goddamnit. Look, punch in “test test test” into the Chrome search box and … NOTHING! The little doodad goes round and round. Facebook won’t update. Twitter won’t update. My email won’t load. THERE’S NO FUCKING DATA CONNECTION.
Her: No it’s totally good.
Me: Is there maybe somebody here who knows anything about phones? Six hours later after I spend all day trying to find businesses and look up information in Pensacola, BINK! and suddenly my phone is vibrating and beeping as it suddenly regains a data connection. This kind of thing PISSES ME OFF. Hire competent, intelligent people and TRAIN THEM. I don’t claim to be an expert on everything but I AM an absolute expert on communications technology with 30 years of experience and training in systems vastly more advanced than cell phones and I know bullshit when I hear it. And if you’re trying to bullshit me, then I wonder how you treat my 85 year old mother when she comes through the door. You took my money, you provide the goddamned service. No excuses. And if you have an outage, admit it and give me a estimate of how long it’s going to be so I can work my business around it.

Or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

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