SCOOTERS !!

SCOOTERS !! Stolen from Jim’s FB posts & Google images

 

Jim Wright  • Pensacola, FL • 8/21/16 [Jim’s blog: http://www.stonekettle.com/%5D

Letters From The Shallow End Of The Deep South

<edit2> Folks, let me put it to you this way. I’m the guy who shared with you all my vasectomy story. You remember that, right? Now, if I can laugh at myself and invite you all to laugh along at my spooge stained expense, surely — surely — we can get a chuckle out of the following without getting offended or being offensive. If not, well, perhaps, just perhaps, you’re in the wrong place. <end edit 2>
<edit1> Look, folks, it’s just a bit of observational humor. As noted at the end of the text, I’m gonna end up using one of these things eventually. And when I do, I’m not going to worry what anybody else thinks either. I’m going to paint flames on the side and go full speed ahead grinning all the way. It’s just life. If you can’t laugh at it, you’re in the wrong business. <end edit>
This place has the highest percentage of Scooter People I’ve ever seen.
They’re everywhere.
Everybody has a scooter here. Everybody. Maybe it’s the heat, I don’t know, but if you want to get rich move to Florida and open a scooter store.

Every SUV has an a scooter lift on the back of it. I saw a customized van the other day with three of these things on the back of it. They’re like shuttlecraft docked to the mothership.
I see people driving scooters on the roads here. Yesterday, there was a guy zipping along on the side of the highway in Pace with two teenagers hanging off the back of his scooter, a few measly feet from the cars zooming past. The thing was teetering back and forth with the extra weight and leaving a rooster-tail of dust in its wake. It was terrifying. I have no idea where this bunch was headed, but he had an extra car battery strapped to the deck of his scooter with wires and duct tape like Matt Damon traveling across Mars in that jury-rigged rover.

I was in Lowes looking at grills last week. Along comes this guy on a scooter. He passed the row of displays were I was standing. Stopped. Backed up beep beep beep like he was backing a hundred-ton earthmover beep! beep! beep! look out everybody, scooter backing up BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! and I thought surely this man isn’t going to attempt to drive that thing down this aisle of grills? Because the scooter was OBVIOUSLY wider than the aisle. Nope, completely unconcerned about the lack of clearance, he aimed his electric buggy straight at me and bulldozed his way between the grills — knocking off knobs and denting the displays in the process. EXCUSE me, he says like I’m in HIS way, and I watched in amazement as he destroyed the displays, crash, bang, smash and then rolled away towards the door — presumably to dent some fenders in the parking lot. The Lowe’s guy just shrugged and picked up the scattered knobs, happens all the time he said.
Yesterday I was in Home Depot and a women on a scooter was driving down the middle aisle of the store with a mop laid across the basket perpendicular to her vector of travel. That’s right, she had a wooden rod sticking out two feet on either side of her scooter like she was plowing snow, only the snow was people and the broomstick was like one of those people-plows in Soylent Green. She swerved suddenly and aimed for a side aisle, one stacked with boxes … and the protruding broomstick jammed between the boxes and the racks WHOMP! She tried to accelerate, but the scooter only wedged itself more firmly in place. So she tried to back up, but the scooter won’t go. Forward, whir! whir! nothing. Backward, Err! Err! nothing. She was jammed solidly in place. She looked at me. I shrugged. Seemed like a good idea, safer for the rest of us. I’ve seen Soylent Green. I walked quickly on.
Walmart is like the Indy-500 of scooters. You’d better step lively in the parking lot or you’ll get creamed by a pack of electric septuagenarians on their way to The Mac Donald (that’s the correct pronunciation here, The Mac Donald, like you’re addressing a Scottish Laird). Inside, the hum from hundreds of scooters is like a swarm of giant bees. It gets any worse and they’re gonna have to start putting sidewalks for pedestrians in the aisles.
That’s how they get you, see?
You get clipped by a some geezer slurping The Mac Donald’s coffee and talking on his cell phone, and smashed toes and a broken leg later then YOU gotta have a scooter too.
Pretty soon you’re mowing down children in the frozen food aisle. Run! Run! Ya little bastards! Run! Muwahahahaha! Ooooh, I’m low on charge, well you lucked out this time.
Now, to be honest, at my current rate of decay, I’ll probably be using one of these things sooner rather than later. Thinking about it, I did tow the Polaris RZR down here from Alaska. 900cc. Off road tires. Roll cage. That thing would crush an entire store full of BBQ grills.
When the time comes, I’m gonna be the Scooterman from HELL!

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