Short Observations

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one.

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is worse.

Apparently RSVP’ing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

Don’t irritate old people. The older we get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

“You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did.”

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90’s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of . . . it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

Gym Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did just one sit-up.”

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test . . . same thing.